While researching for this blog, I came across a few guides from ‘SELF PROCLAIMED Dating-Gurus‘ claiming “Getting your ex back is not a hard task, the hard part is keeping them!“.
This claim is easy to hook the majority of the people’s attention by giving them a plastic-hope of getting their ex back without breaking any sweat.
But wait! Is it really as effortless as it sounds? No! It’s not.
Had it been easy, wouldn’t you be enjoying a romantic and cozy date somewhere right now instead of seeking ‘proved’ tactics to get your ex back? Just give this a thought.
But, is it impossible? Definitely not…Hard? Yes, definitely is.
With the right approach and right guidance, you can make it possible – that too in a lesser time than you thought.
But let me beware you; this journey demands a complete mind-shift on your part. You should be open-minded to adopt a whole new concept and understandings of relationships. You should be open-minded to welcome any changes and realizations you may come across on this pursuit of getting your lost love back again.
However, If you are expecting this guide to automate the ‘get-your-ex-back’ process, or to spoon-feed you with overnight magical tips and tricks to get your ex back, then please stop right there. This is definitely not an instant ‘5 step plan to blossom your love life back again‘.
If for all the right reasons you are really determined to get your ex back into your life and you wholeheartedly feel that he/she is the one for you, then just sit back and read it till the last word. You won’t be disappointed.
You are just a few ‘realizations and changes’ away to get back together with your ex.
(If you are trying to get over your ex and breakup, then please refer this guide.)
STEP 1: Realization & Awareness
If you feel the real issue that you need to deal with is to get your ex back, then you are just half right. The real deal is to realize and address all the issues which made your ex leave you at first hand.
Before we hop on further, I request you to do three things.
- Have realistic hopes.
- Be completely honest with your inner feelings & emotions.
- Keep an open mind to any possibility.
So let’s begin…
Possible Reasons for breakups…
What’s the first thing a doctor asks when you visit him for some treatment?
“What’s the issue?”, Right?
Or, do you think he will prescribe you some random medicine based on his own assumptions?
Likewise, before we jump to the solutions, we need to address the reasons that made your relationship end drastically and unexpectedly.
When couples agree to the fact that staying away might be a better decision than staying together, they decide to call it off mutually. If that’s the case with you then getting your ex back may not be as hard as compared to other reasons listed below. In this scenario, the primary cause of breakup may be a lack of ‘something’ from either, or, both sides. And with little effort and maturity, you can handle it easily.
2. Cheating & Infidelity-
Nothing can justify cheating. It’s the worst thing you can do while being in a relationship. If that’s the reason why your ex left you, then be ready to put a tremendous amount of effort and honesty to make your ex love you again. Most importantly, trust you again.
Even if you manage to get your ex back, then making them stay with you still won’t be a cakewalk. But, don’t lose hope. As long as you are ready to work on your relationship, nothing else matters.
If I have to pick the most common reason out of possible reasons for a breakup, this might be it. The couples tend to get bored with each other with time. Instead of falling in more, they fall out of love. And, who is to blame?
Our mind is nothing short of a mess, and we keep on filling it with more junk. Other things start to fascinate us more than our relationship and partner. Priorities change with time, also the way we treat our partner.
For example, even when we need to spend quality time with our partner, we are too much into peeping in our phones, aren’t we? Most of the time we are overly occupied in other elements of life that we neglect everything else, even our relationship. We have started taking our relationships for granted, no doubt about it.
If that’s the case with you, no wonder you are bored with your relationship, and breaking up is the obvious thing you can do. And if you are really serious about getting your ex back, then start prioritizing your relationship with your partner. Put him/her before everything, or at least before your phone and work.
4. Narcissist behavior-
This is one of the most popular words these days. You can find people everywhere complaining about their partners being a narcissist.
And, if in your case you are the one being labeled as a narcissist, then before you set up a game plan to get your ex back, prepare a game plan to get your behavior on track.
I may sound rude, but nobody wants to be with an obsessive and mean partners.
5. Wrong definition of love-
This will be my second pick among the most common grounds for a breakup. You meet someone fascinating, you like them for who they are, you fall in love with everything about them, then you get sure that he/she is the one. Then suddenly after some time, you fall out of affection. Yes! That’s what happens. Just the reason varies from person to person.
With time you stop loving your partner for the things that made you fall in love with them at first place. Things which seemed fascinating about them turn into annoying stuff. You start doubting your decision. And, the moment you break up, you get a sudden hit of realization only to know that it’s too late.
If that’s your story and you are trying to get your ex back after this sudden heartbreak, then before you get on a horse’s back, get a clear picture of the concept of love. That’s what will help you to bring your ex back again.
Question yourself: Who wants the ex back in life, Is it you, or your ego?
When I broke up with my ex-girlfriend, I had a pretty hard time coping with it. I tried and tested everything to get her back. And, instead of bothering about the reasons she broke up with me, I started to blame myself for everything that made her fall out of love with me.
And it followed with tons of pleadings to make her feel my love for her. Initial days were real genuine efforts to get her back. But, as time passed those genuine efforts were taken over by the wounded ‘ego’.
Questions like “How could she do that to me”, “Once she gets back to me, I will show her how wrong she did to me”, and “Why she isn’t in love with me now?” hijacked my brain.
This ignorance fuelled my ego more and more. It was no more about getting her back for the sake of love, it had become the Self-centric ego issue. Somehow, I managed to get her back, but only to realize in the end that I never loved her and we were never perfect for each other.
If you also fall in the same category, then my friend, better channel your emotions and time on something more productive and positive rather than wasting your time on baseless things. People come and go in life, you can’t make them stay unless they want to. Don’t make it your ego issue.
If only you feel that there’s a sincere love behind your intentions and you can’t afford to lose your ex, then only move in the direction to get your ex back.
But how do I get to know if it’s love or ego?
For it to determine, start focusing on your thoughts. Get to understand them better, think of all the precious time you spent together, memories you cherished and all the good times. If it’s real love, then you will get to know about it by yourself.
You have to be honest not to just your partner, but towards your feeling and emotions too. You should know what you really feel about your partners and what’s the underlying intention to get her back.
If anger, jealousy, selfishness is forcing you to get your ex back, then sorry it’s you who will suffer and fall prey to it at the end. Get your intentions clear, no other way around.
STEP 2: Mistakes to avoid when trying to get your ex back
If you are still reading this article, I assume you have got a clear understanding and are trying to give an honest attempt to bring back your lost love. But there are more important things I want you to know before I tell you what to do next. In this case, knowing ‘what not to do’ is vital than knowing what to do.
While dealing with a sudden heartbreak, we often make a lot of mistakes when trying to woo our ex-partner again. Moreover, we clearly shut our mind’s door, loose our common sense, and end up making things worse than they already are. We start believing in vague senseless advice hoping to succeed in getting our ex-boyfriend/ex-girlfriend back. And, when nothing works out in the end, it makes us more saddened, stressed and hopeless. I don’t want any of these things for you.
That’s why knowing what not to do is the first step towards this “EX”perience. Am sure you will relate with most of the mistakes, as we all have been through this phase.
1. Pitying and begging
This is probably the first thing that had come to your mind while working on your game plan to get your ex back. Right?
Being overwhelmed with emotions and sentiments, we often reach out to our ex begging and pleading, hoping that they will care about us, they will understand us. Hopefully, their heart will melt, and they will come back. However, in reality, it doesn’t work that way.
By pleading and begging them to come back, you are not only making things messy for them but for yourself too. Instead of helping you out in a positive way, constant begging and pleading might work against you by projecting you as a low self-esteem individual and a weak person. Moreover, your ex will start taking you for granted. Nobody likes an emotionally vulnerable partner.
So, if you feel that your constant begging and pleading will make them come back, then please hold your horses right there. Things don’t work this way.
2. Spamming and stalking your Ex’s social profiles
I know you already have done that and still do it often. What else can be the best way to keep an eye on people they are meeting, with whom they are getting friendly and so on! Sounds right? After all, how would your ex ever know that you are stalking their social profile and keeping a watch on them?
But, what about you? Don’t you think this will make you more restless and impatient? When we do these things, our whole focus shifts from our lives to theirs. But, the truth is, no matter what we do we have the least control over others lives.
There is no chance that this stalking will help you in any way to get your ex back and it also won’t stop your ex-girlfriend/ex-boyfriend from doing anything they want to. There’s no way you should spoil your peace of mind. You are trying to get your ex back, and you can’t afford to be more miserable than you already are.
3. Freaking out when your ex gets friendly with another person of the opposite sex
Studies have shown that both men and women stand equally when it comes to jealousy. Both men and women start to panic seeing their ex with someone new.
The mistake most of us do is to panic the moment we see our ex getting friendly with a person of the opposite gender.
And all we can think is:
‘What if he/she is dating that person?’
‘What if they that person is trying to attract your ex?’
‘What if your ex falls in love with that person?’
‘What if they get laid ?’
‘How come she is so friendly with that person when we just broke up?’
‘Has he/she moved on in life?’
These can definitely be the cases. But what if, they aren’t?
There are always two sides of the coin. So, instead of panicking just relax and deal with the situation wisely. Think outside your emotional comfort. Your ex might just be friends with that person. And, even if she is dating others, you have no control over. So why to bang your head on a wall when it’s your own head that’s going to hurt in the end.
Instead, act mature and handle the situation wisely.
4. Spoiling your own life and blaming your ex for it.
The moment our relationship is over, most of us put the entire blame on our ex and make them solely responsible for all the bad things happening to us.
If someone asks “Why you are drinking so much”?
Answer: Obviously because of my ex, she left me.
Question: Why have you become so messy?
Answer: My ex left me, and I am into the post-breakup mode.
Question: Why did you score so less in exams?
Answer: I am in grief and missing my ex and I am not able to concentrate.
That’s what most of us do. Whatever happens to us or our life, we put the blame on our ex.
Tell me, how come your ex is responsible for anything?
Your ex didn’t ask you to start drinking, smoking and wasting your time on stupid things. You decided to go on that track. It’s not just in case of relationships, in general too, we are afraid to take responsibility for us and our life. We always find someone or something to hold responsible for our sufferings. And then, we wonder why we aren’t happy.
How can you expect good things when you are no more the in-charge of it? When we hold others responsible, we are giving them the charge to make decisions for us. We lose all the control over our own life happenings.
In this pursuit of getting your ex back, if you can’t take little responsibility how can you possibly imagine to get him/her back? You can never mend things which you have no control over.
So before you move further, first sort out your life and yourself too by taking some responsibility towards it.
5. Drunk dialing your ex’s number
Out of all the possible stupid and immature things you can do to get your ex back is drunk dialing them. Yeah, this works but only if you are working to lose all the chances to get your ex back.
The fact is; unless we are allergic to alcohol, we all do this at least once in our lives. Few pegs down and we slip into past memories and moments and the best move we can think of is to dial your ex’s number.
But, wait!! It’s just you who is in drinking mode, your ex isn’t. He/she might be in their senses while you are sobbing in front of your ex. Guess the chances of getting your ex back now? ZERO!!
In this case, your ex might stop taking you seriously. By doing this, you are projecting yourself as emotionally miserable and a person with no self-control.
This might work in case if you are trying to get your boyfriend back because when a girl does that, guys often fall for that. But, if you are a guy and trying to get your girlfriend back, don’t even take a risk.
6. Still showering your ex with affection
Are you making this deadly mistake? Are you still showering tons of affection on your ex hoping they will have a heart meltdown and agree to take you back in their life? Then guess what? They will start taking you for granted.
If you are the person, whose best move is to load their ex with expensive gifts, flowers, chocolates, then stop and think a bit. You are not showering your emotions, you are bribing them to come back to you. And, if in case your ex is sure of not getting back to you, then you slip into the zone of being emotionally used.
Moreover, by doing this, you are showing them your weak side. This will make you more prone to break down without helping you out in any constructive way. I know you think that if your ex will realize how much you love him/her and how much you care about them, then he/she might at least consider getting back. What do you think, didn’t they know that already when they broke up with you? But still, they chose to break up.
If you really want your ex back start giving some space to breathe and to think and live rather than overwhelming them with tons of emotions.
7. Getting laid with others.
This might work in case if you are trying to ‘get over‘ your ex. But, if you are trying to get him/her back, then it’s a big NO! Reasons?
You are trying to get your ex back because you think he/she is the one for you and the only one you need in your life. Then, do you think, having sex with others is going to help you in any possible way?
If you can’t be honest about your emotions that made you fall for your partner, then what’s the use of making all these efforts to get them back?
8. Don’t repeat the same mistakes that turned off your ex
Imagine, you and your ex broke up for a particular reason, be it any x y z reason. And, now when you are trying to get them back, you are still repeating the same things over and over again. Do you think you will ever make them come back?
Being a mature person, you should know what went wrong in your relationship and what made things go off track. Once you realize it, the first thing you should do is not repeat the same. Be it your some annoying habit, some personality trait, over possessiveness, jealous nature, excessive smoking, or drinking, you need to stop repeating the things that spoiled your relationship with your ex.
Shift your focus to work on these things, so that your ex can see that change and trust you again at the same level.
9. Being too obsessive and bossy even after a breakup
An obsession of any kind is no good. And when it comes to a relationship, obsession can be a big turn off. We all need some space to breathe and to sustain in any kind of relationship. We can’t just force others to do things for us that makes us feel good. Let the things come naturally to them.
We all love each other differently. It’s not necessary that if you loved your ex in extremes, then your ex is also bound to love you back with the same intensity. It can’t be just about you. Don’t make it just about you.
And when you are trying to get your ex-girlfriend or ex-boyfriend back, do not act bossy around them. You had no control over them, and now when you are not together, you have no power at all. By doing so, you are digging a hole only for yourself. Yet, if you think a tag of “psycho and creepy ex-lover” will add shine to your personality, then go ahead and kill your slightest chance to get them back.
10. Putting them before you
No matter what, we shouldn’t put anyone before us. The person who can’t love himself/herself for what they are can never love others. To understand the concept of love, you need to love yourself first before you go out making big claims about how much you love your ex.
If you think your ex left you because he/she doesn’t like you for being who you are, then what’s the use of getting them back? Because that’s who you are as a person. If you think you will be an entirely new person inside out just because of your ex, then don’t be surprised when your ex chooses others over you after some time, because choices can change with time.
You are not here to please anyone. You want your ex back because of your genuine feeling towards them. You are not selling insurance to them that you need to brag about the benefits of investing in you. Just be who are you and let them see the real you and accept you as you are, not for what you can be.
11. Don’t let getting her/him back become your life’s sole purpose
If you are a guy whose sole purpose in life is to get his ex-girlfriend back, then be prepared for a recipe for disaster. This is the mistake that most of the people do.
They go overboard with feelings and invest all their time and energy to prove their ex that getting them back is the only goal left in their life. If that’s the case with you, then let me be straight with you. Most of the girls like the guys who are goal-oriented and career-driven. They get attracted to the guys who are passionate about something in life and hardworking enough to get their dreams to come true. That’s definitely a big turn on for them.
For all the guys out there reading it, rather than making her as the sole purpose of your life, focus on keeping things balanced. That might increase your chance to get her back.
There are chances that you might have already committed a few of the mentioned mistakes. It’s okay we are human, and at times we lose control over ourselves, and when it comes to the most precious thing, all the mistakes are justified. So, don’t lose hope there are still a lot of chances of getting your ex back.
The vital thing is to understand that you shouldn’t repeat these mistakes as these would make situations worse rather than helping you out.
STEP 3: The real deal about the No-Contact rule
I am sure this term isn’t an alien to you. This is the first thing you may have come across while searching for the ways to cope up your “EX”perience. This is likely the ‘Swiss knife’ of the post-breakup dilemmas.
No matter if you are trying to get over your ex or get him/her back, don’t ever neglect this vital step.
What this just means is to break all the contacts with your ex for a certain period.
- Yes, all contacts. i.e
no social profiles stalking(Even with fake Id’s)
no meeting them
no seeing them
no accidental meet
not even with common friends
Basically, it means to cut all the cords that might lead to the slightest chance of bumping into your ex. This period varies from person to person, you can’t put a time frame to this.
But generally, most of the relationship experts suggest it to be around 30 to 60 days. I usually call this an awareness period.
The importance of no contact period is to give both of you a mental and physical break from each other to realize and feel the real emotions underneath.
As many of the self-claimed experts say, that after using no-contact rule your ex will magically appear again, shower you with all the love and affection; Happily lived after.
Sounds so smooth, isn’t it?
Truth be told; it’s just the half part of the real story. It’s indeed accurate information, but half-cooked! Like others, I also advocate that the “No contact” rule works and a can be beneficial while you are trying to get over your ex.
You might say, “I am not here to get over my ex, I am here to get him/her back, I want them to get back into my life”.
Exactly! That’s the real catch.
“No contact” rule work differently in different situations. Like, no single medicine cure-all, the same way how can a single method work equally proficient for all.
When not to use the “No-Contact” Rule:
If you are trying to get your ex back, there are a few important things to keep in mind and consider before you cut all the contacts with your ex. It can work against you in many possible situations.
1. If you are a guy trying to get your ex back.
If you are a guy and planning to use “No-contact” rules by all means. Then Beware!
It might work against you. The core principle of “No contact” rule is to have a break from each other and to provide each other time to explore and to get a better understanding of emotions and feelings.
But, here’s the harsh truth. It’s effortless for a girl to find a new partner, a few hi’s, hellos and even a little smile is enough to make any guy’s heart melt. For them attracting a guy is not a big deal.
On the other hand, it can even take a lifetime for a guy to lure a girl unless they know how to woo them. Even when it comes to falling in love, guys are more prone to falling in love easily than a girl. So, finding a guy who can easily fall for them won’t be hard for them. Girls do have the upper hand in that, indeed.
If you are a guy and trying “no contact” rule hoping that you won’t bother her for some time. And after a profound realization, she will come back to you and fall into your arms. Mostly, that might not be the case.
There are possible chances that she bumps into a new guy and get over you quickly. And, leave you a thank you note in the end for not disturbing her and letting her focus on more important things than you. BUMP BUMP!!
2. If you are a guy and she broke up with you because you neglected her.
If you were in a relationship where you continually neglected her and gave her less priority than others. If your focus was on every other thing but her. And, you took her for granted. Then getting in “No-contact” rule might not be for you.
Just think, now when your ex-gf has moved away from you, what’s the best thing you are doing to get her back? To break all contacts with her for even more days. Sounds idiotic, doesn’t it?
She won’t ever come to know that you are doing this to get her back(Unless you open your cards to her). For her, you are neglecting her more, not even bothering to have a good talk with her, have already moved on and are utterly happy about what happened.
If that’s the signal you are trying to give her, then go ahead.
However, if you are trying to get her back and this is the situation with you, then think twice before using “No-contact” rule. Instead of breaking up all the ties with her for 60 days, better have a good and mature talk.
Make her feel needed and special. But, don’t go overboard with this too. Keeping the right balance is key here. After all, the first step to curing anything is treating it, not ignoring it.
When No-contact works like a butter…
Apart from the situation mentioned above, “no contact” rule work effectively in most of the cases. After all, jumping right away to spam your ex the next minute after a breakup doesn’t sound like a healthy idea.
After coming out of a relationship, we all need some time to explore things, to audit the relationship and to have certain realizations.
Sometimes absence makes us realize things which our presence cannot. So, give each other a break. Live life without them, understand how’s life when your ex is not around.
The core of “No contact” period is not to wait eagerly for the 60 days to end but to shift your focus from your ex to other things. Utilize this time to analyze what went wrong and what can be done to fix it.
What if he/she calls up? Should I respond or ignore?
Depends, if you are able to handle it with little maturity or not. If you are someone who gets overexcited, and if you think that talking to your ex in “No contact” period will make you vulnerable again, then think twice before responding.
However, in case you feel you can handle this wisely and with ease, then an occasional contact is no harm. But that doesn’t mean you erase all that you learned and slips into Romeo zone again.
Avoid talking about relationships or your feelings, or past memories. Don’t open all your cards at one go. A little secrecy is not a bad deal. Avoid getting too emotional and expressing your inner feelings.
That will give them an upper hand. Our focus is to get them back, but not at the cost of our own self-esteem.
Only you can make this decision for yourself. Realize what’s at stake and how much you want it to happen? Keep yourself at calm and handle things wisely.
In no contact rule, “Limit” works better than “Avoid” in certain situations. Choose what’s best for you and can help you in getting your ex back.
What if we live in the same house/work at the same place/ have common friends?
How can I avoid them entirely if I am going to see them every day or another day?
I understand it’s not always possible to apply “No-contact” rule efficiently when you have no choice but to have your ex around. Maybe you share the same apartment, have the same workplace, or have common friends.
It does get hard at times not to bump into each other even when we intend to.
In this case, as I mentioned above “Limit” works better than “Avoid”. If you can’t altogether avoid your ex, put a limit on how much you interact or face him/her. You live in the same apartment, but that doesn’t mean you have to face them 24×7.
Limit your interactions with them, only talk when it’s necessary, don’t get too personal, avoid any physical contact. But, don’t use this excuse as your trump card to speak to your ex everytime they call or come face to face.
If you know you can avoid it and you realize that’s the best thing to do at that moment, then avoid it. As simple as that.
If you share the same workplace or even working on the same project, again “limit” yourself to just important tasks and conversations without sounding rude and mean to them. Avoid sitting together at the same desks.
Don’t feel jealous if they gel up with other people. Try not to lose control when you see them happily interacting with others. Just ignore it for a certain period, not to prove something to them, but only to genuinely get some time away from each.
No contact rule is not just limited to face to face talks and interactions. You have to cut all the possible ways to contact them. And, most importantly don’t panic when they don’t contact you even after certain days.
As I said there’s no guarantee in anything. So, be prepared for it too. There can be many reasons for not contacting you back again.
Few of them might be:
- She really has moved on.
- You were an abusive partner.
- They need more time to think.
- They are extremely busy.
- You were a narcissist partner.
- They are also trying “No-Contact” rule.
If that’s the case and as long as you are sure you really want him/her back in your life again. Don’t panic and keep moving in the direction to get them back. Nothing is impossible when done with sincerity and with all efforts. Just stick to the plan.
STEP 4: 3-D GROWTH.
Now, here comes the tough part. During the no-contact period, I don’t suggest you to just sit back and keep waiting for your ex to arrive. That will turn you more impatient and anxious. Instead, in this step, I want you to shift all your focus and energy from your Ex to yourself.
You should understand that every change you see outside begins with little changes from inside. This phase is not about your ex, your past memories or anything else. It’s solely about yourself.
The only goal of this step is to transform you into a more radiant and attractive being so that when you meet your ex, they can’t resist getting back to you.
This time can surely be fruitful to you if only you utilize it wisely rather than fill your mind just with your ex’s thoughts. And now also if you choose to stay same as before, you are not adding any positive impact on your situation.
But, what should we do?
Work on yourself. Strive to be a better person. Analyze what went wrong and then working on those shortcomings to make them better.
I call this phase 3D growth phase.
Most of the love or dating experts emphasize you to work on the physical and mental aspect of yourself in no contact rule so that you can turn into a more attractive person, more charming as ever.I too agree with this.
They left you for some reason, and if that reason still exists then nothing is going to change.
But, something is missing in this growth process. It’s all 2-dimensional growth. It’s surely of use but can’t turn you entirely for good. It inevitably changes a few aspects of you, not the complete you.
That’s why I want you to understand 3D growth; 3-dimensional growth. i.e., to grow in all aspects…
If you don’t work on all these 3, your growth as a better and more attractive person won’t be a complete one.
And you don’t have to do this just to get your ex back. You have to do it for yourself, to transform into an improved version of yourself.
No self-growth is perfect if it’s not in all these 3 aspects. You don’t have to spend most of the time crying, sobbing, dwelling in past memories and wasting your time waiting for your ex. Instead, use and invest this time in more constructive things.
If your ex left you because you were a jealous and an over possessive partner, then why not work on your inner insecurities and trust building.
If your ex left you because of your extreme anger, then why not work onto keeping your anger issues in control.
If your ex left you because you are always super busy, then why not to learn the importance of time management.
If your ex left you because you were a depressed being, then why not to work on your inner self and learn to take control of your life and happiness.
The whole idea of this phase is to grow as a better being not just to get your ex back, but also to get your life on track. And when you reach out to your ex, they also get to see a whole new positive person in you.
This is definitely the most crucial part of the growth. Every change, every growth no matter how big or small, starts with ‘Mind’. Your mind is the tool which can construct or destruct you depending on how you use it.
The whole concept of life’s quality depends on just one thing; is your mind working for you or you are working for it?
Rather than spending most of your time grieving, sobbing and feeling sorry for what happened in your relationship, shift your mind into the direction of finding ways to make your relationship better; not just with your ex but with yourself too.
Most of the people tend to slip into depression and even take extreme steps after a breakup. They are too weak to handle themselves and the situations. They lose their confidence and face the issues of low self-esteem.
How possibly you can get your ex back when you are not in a proper positive state of mind?
Rather than feeling bad and sorry for yourself, you need to train your mind to think positive. You need to put a halt on thoughts that make you feel worthless and less confident about yourself.
It’s true after a serious heartbreak, we start to question ourselves and fall into the pattern of incessant negative thinking.
You can’t go back to the past and change what happened, you can’t go in the future and predict what’s going to happen.
So, instead of whining about the past and worrying about the future, bring all your mind’s attention on making some positive change in your present that can help you to grow as a more vibrant, confident and a strong person.
You are on a mission to bring back your lost love. And, you can only do that when you are strong and positive minded.
Yes! I agree it’s not at all possible to have a complete mind shift just after you come out of a relationship.
A little grief period, a short analysis period we all need. But, don’t let that phase that entirely takes over your mind. Don’t stay in that forever.
You should learn to detach yourself from your thoughts. You are not your thoughts; that’s the only truth.
After a breakup, our mind often forces us to do things that leave us more distressed and negative. You have to choose how you want your ex to think when they see you. Your thoughts reflect your personality and your personality influences your actions.
But, what can we do to train our mind to think positive?
- Read good positive books.
- Join some reading clubs.
- Engage in your hobbies and passions.
- Get more social.
- Make new friends.
- Spend time learning some new skills.
There are many great blogs you can read that are all about positivity, happiness and mind control. You can always visit them whenever you need a motivation. My Favourite ones are:
It may not be an overnight change, but if you are focused and consistent in doing mindful things then with time you will definitely see a good transformation not just in you, but in your surroundings too.
Now that brings us on the second dimension of growth. i.e., body. A healthy mind exists in a healthy body. Yes, we all know that.
When we are dealing with a bad breakup, chances are we dwell into things that are destructive.
We start drinking alcohol, we start ignoring our health, we get on a bad diet, we indulge ourselves into drugs.
We hope that it will make us forget our ex. But, what happens is just the opposite of it.
When you are trying to get your ex back, you can’t take the risk of indulging in things that can give them more reasons to grow apart from you. As I said above, we have to use this period to help ourselves become a better person, not a worse one.
Moreover, these things will turn you unattractive. The attraction is a major part of any relationship. When a couple is attracted to each other, they tend to maintain a good relationship.
And, now when you are trying to get your ex back, you can’t afford to look unattractive. You have to make sure when your ex sees you after a long time, all they say is “Wow”.
What you can do is:
- Join some gym.
- Get on a new healthy diet.
- Avoid things that can harm your health.
- Make a healthy daily routine.
- Go for a half-hour jog.
That’s the last and most important part of the growth. There’s no use of a healthy mind and body if you are the same person from inside. If our body is the vehicle and mind is its fuel, then our soul is the one who designed this vehicle.
It’s the prime source of all. Our thoughts affect our actions, but it’s our soul that influence our thoughts. By being better inside, you will be better from outside too.
Keeping everything balanced can help your relationship to grow stronger. We want you to stay intact every time, in spite of the situations around you. We don’t want you to slip into dark zone every time you break up or face any adversity.
We want you to stay immune to all the negative things that follow after a breakup. We don’t want a breakup to break you up forever. You have all the right to stay happy irrespective of the situations around you.
Everybody likes a person who is balanced, sympathetic, mature and someone they can depend upon. And, when you are trying to get back your ex, this becomes very important. Learn to free your spirit and find joy. No change is a complete one unless it’s from inside.
For this, you can
- Practice meditation
- Work on the inner self
- Change your belief system
- Learn to stay calm and unaffected
- Work on self-esteem
- Work on moral values
The whole concept of 3D growth is to help you grow in all aspects not just in one or two. It’s you who have to choose how you want to utilize your time; By being more miserable or being a whole new person inside out.
STEP 5: Time to contact your ex
If you have followed all the previously mentioned steps, then you are almost ready to take the next step in getting your ex back.
Yes, finally It’s time to contact your ex.
This is the trickiest part. Earlier, there could be a little scope for mistakes as it was just about you.
Be it your transformation, no contact period or whatever it was, it was between you and only yourself. Your ex didn’t have any idea what you were doing behind the curtains (Unless you contacted your ex in no contact period)
This is the step to approach your ex without sounding needy, desperate and selfish.
Contacting your ex is not at all a big deal, but approaching someone sounding too much emotional and being ‘over’ in everything is something you should take care of.
Even one mistake or one negative signal can turn the tables again on their sides, leaving you at the place you began with.
There are lots of things you need to take care of before you make a move to them.
You need to understand if the feeling for your ex is still the same as they were earlier. Feelings and emotions often fade with time. When we break up, there are lots of things that make us vulnerable to sudden heartbreak.
But as the times passes, we get to know the real feelings and emotions much more apparent than before.
So, before you make a move, get a clear picture of your feelings towards them in the present moment.
Remember, it’s not just about you, your motive to get them back, or even about your ego. Your ex was equally an integral part of your relationship. It can’t be just about you and your needs.
Every person is different at every level and have a different attitude towards things, and obviously, relationships.
So when you approach them, be open to every possibility that might happen.
They may bluntly refuse to talk to you, or they might get super happy seeing your gestures and a good positive change in you.
No matter what the result is, your goal is to be as strong as you can be and to handle things sensibly. Don’t forget the things you learned earlier.
Don’t you dare to go overboard with your emotions and spill the beans again?
Remember, you are trying to get back your ex because you love him/her and you feel they are the one for you. You are not getting them back to feed your ego and to prove that you are the boss. They are not your possessed trophies. You are not doing this either to take revenge or hurting them more.
I went through a few articles, and I won’t mind bashing them for their suggestions to get ex back. For them, it’s just about you and your motive to get them back.
They talk solely about you and your one-sided needs. They completely neglect the fact that your ex is also a human and they have the equal right to feel hurt about what happened.
Your ex also has the right to make a decision for themselves and to act the way they want.
After all, we are not just trying to get your ex back. We are trying to make your relationship better than before with genuine admiration and mutual respect.
When to approach your ex?
The moment you feel you are ready and have a clear perspective of your emotions and your feelings towards your ex.
The moment you think you are no more selfish and self-centered about your needs.
The moment you think you are not the same person anymore and have turned into a more positive and trustworthy person now.
The moment you are sure you won’t get back on the same old pattern if anything goes wrong again.
Every person has a different pace when it comes to this. You can’t put a time frame to it. The only thing you have to make sure is to keep things balanced without sounding too desperate to get them back. You have to give them mature and sorted reasons to get back and to make your relationship work, better than ever before.
There are chances that your mind suggest you fake everything in eagerness and desperation to get them back. You might think of yourself as a good actor and can fake all your transformation and changed attitude.
But wait, better you stop here only.
For how long you think you can fake things? A week, a month or even a few more months.
In no time your ex will see the real you and won’t look at your face again. This can make things even more and you will lose even that little chance you had to get them back.The only thing you have to keep in mind to get your ex back is, to be honest from the very beginning, not just to them but to yourself too.
How to approach your ex?
This step is the most crucial step. Now you will interact with them after a long time.
When to approach your ex isn’t as important as how to approach them. And no matter how you approach them, your focus should be on keeping yourself mentally balanced and open for any response you might get.
The text is the most convincing way to approach them as they can’t see you. This way you have got enough time to think your responses. However, there are a few things you should keep in mind before you hit the send button on your phone.
- Don’t throw tons of random messages.
- If they don’t reply, don’t jump on the conclusion that they are ignoring you. Be open to the possibility that they might be busy somewhere.
- If they don’t respond at the moment you message them, don’t get hyper. Wait for them to reply rather than spamming their inbox.
- There are chances they might not reply the same way you expected them to be, don’t lose your patience and try to handle things maturely.
- Don’t jump straight to the meeting part, make them comfortable first.
- Don’t open up too much and go overboard with emotions.
- Be a good listener.
- Resist telling ‘how much you love them’ and what you have been through.
- If your ex is still angry or frustrated with you, don’t lose control and patience. Accept the fact that they are a different individual and having different viewpoints is normal.
- Respect their opinions and decisions.
- Don’t sound dull and boring. Be fun and add a little humor to your conversations to make things lighter.
Approaching their friend if your ex isn’t responding.
If you feel that they aren’t responding to you or replying to your messages, then approaching their friend can a good idea. But, the points mentioned above standstill valid in this case too.
Asking them out.
Don’t ask them out on the very first conversation you have with your ex. After your first conversation, analyze things from back to finish to get an idea about their mindset and their opinions regarding the same.
If they sounded rude and dull to you, and you can clearly see they are really not prepared to make a relationship work again, then asking them out can be a bad move right now.
In this case, chances are they might refuse you, and you end up bashing your ex for their rudeness and coldness.
That’s why, before you ask them for a casual meetup, try to analyze things with an open mind. And, if you feel meeting them is not a good idea right now, then trust your instinct and drop this idea.
But, if you feel they are open to the idea of meeting you once and you both are on the same page, then go ahead and ask them for a casual meetup, without sounding too desperate.
But beware! Don’t get too excited about this and don’t you confuse it with a date. It’s not a date.
Keeping a balance is the key here, and you have to make sure you won’t end up doing something stupid. So, before clicking the send button on your phone, prepare your mind for both good and the bad.
STEP 6: To do/Not to do When Meeting up with your ex
I am hoping that your ex might have agreed to meet you if you followed every advice we gave you till now. Now, you are all ready to make your final move to bring your love back again in your life.
I am sure that from the moment your ex agreed to meet you, you can’t sleep or stop dreaming about both of you getting back together, and finally living happily ever after.
Hold those thoughts right there.
That’s the part we expect you to be more cautious. We don’t want to you mess the situation after getting so close to your goal of getting your ex back.
Some people lose the self-control and patience after getting this close; only to regret later on. We don’t want you to be one of them.
So, here are the things you need to take care of.
1. Take a quick recap.
Before you rush to meet your ex, sit relax in a quiet place and think of all the good things you have learned by now. Observe your changed behavior and realizations you made during this period.
Think about how much you have evolved as a better human being. And finally, be sure of your decision to get your ex back.
This step is to make sure you don’t rush in anything and are confident about your feelings and decisions. We don’t want you to do things which you aren’t sure about and regret later on.
2. Hold on your emotions.
Getting emotional in the very first meeting won’t be a wise move. You don’t want your ex to think of you as an emotionally vulnerable guy.
As I said, this is not where you should melt like a candle. This is the time where you should be projecting positive and a mature side of yours.
This is where they should see a positive change in you.
Getting too emotional and opening about your feelings may not be the wisest move. If they are not on the same page as you, they won’t ever understand the real deal behind your emotions.
3. Read between the lines.
It is the one thing you need to perfect — the art of reading between the lines. If you are a guy and trying to get your ex-girlfriend back, then this art becomes utmost vital.
Girls are very rigid when it comes to being open about their emotions and feelings. And, if it’s your first meeting after a bad breakup, don’t expect them to be an open book in front of you.
In that case, you have to put your Sherlock’s cap on. You have to observe their actions, reactions and the way they are treating you.
You have to understand the things they aren’t saying but are visible in their actions.
If they are cold and do not seem interested in getting back together right now, then exposing your emotions and thoughts of getting back together won’t be a wise move.
Getting you lectures on life and moving on from them is the last thing you want. Right?
4. Stop talking start listening!!
I know you are all love, and can’t wait to meet your ex to tell them how much you have evolved as a human being. And, how serious you are to get them back into your life.
And once you meet your ex, you continue your saga of love and vomit all your desires.
That’s the moment you should slap yourself.
You have to understand, that from the beginning and till now, it isn’t just about yourself. You don’t have to sound selfish and self-centered in front of your ex.
Utilize this time to listen to their part of the story. It’s time to get to know what they have been through after the breakup and their views about relationships.
Don’t listen to them just for the sake of it. Don’t listen to them so that you can begin your story once they finished theirs. You have to put honest efforts in listening to them.
This way you can get a clear idea of their feelings and thoughts. Being a good listener is the wisest thing you can do at this stage.
But, that doesn’t mean you should force them to talk and open up.
Let them naturally slip into their comfort zone and sharing mode. Don’t make it solely about yourself. Give equal importance to their views.
5. Don’t fake anything.
No matter what you are trying to achieve in your life, or even when you are trying to get your ex back; Be yourself, no matter what!!
You don’t have to fake anything in front of your ex when you meet them. You don’t want your ex to trust you again for the things which you are not.
But, that doesn’t mean that you should open up about everything as we said above. All we are saying is, to be honest, and be yourself even in the little things you share with them.
You don’t want them to get back and love you; you want them to love you for who you are.
But still, if you feel like faking things hoping that can make your ex come running back to you again, how long do you think you can make them stay?
Once they realize you were faking things around they won’t even mind leaving you again; and this time to never come back again.
You don’t have to be perfect for them. Love is not at all about perfections. People fall in love and grow together as beings. It’s not a single person’s journey.
So, when you are meeting them just be yourself. Don’t say or portray things which you don’t mean.
6. Don’t repeat the same mistakes.
Stop repeating the same mistakes when you are trying to get your ex back. There is a considerable chance that your ex agreed to meet you because you are still under their radar.
There are chances that their only motive to meet you again is to observe you and pick out your mistakes. It’s the time you don’t want anything to go against you.
Like, if they always complained about you always busy or checking out your phone every time you meet. Then don’t repeat the same mistake.
No matter how much you have changed internally and mentally. For them, you are the same person if your focus is continuously on your phone and not on them.
If you are prone to get angry or impatient quickly, then don’t try to repeat these mistakes. One wrong move and you can fall into the same place you started.
You need to take care of things which made your ex leave you and try not to repeat them when you are meeting them after a long time.
7. Don’t resist to apologize for your past mistakes, if any.
Don’t confuse it with begging and pleading. Neither it’s about showing your ex how wrong you were and how right they always have been.
At this moment, we expect you to feel a genuine sorry if your ex left you because you caused some big blunder in the past.
And if you feel that you never get a chance to let them know how sorry you were on your part, then this is the best chance. Don’t make your ego come in between you and a sorry.
This will give a message to your ex that you realize your wrongdoings and mature enough to take responsibility for it.
8. Avoid any physical desperate move.
Don’t dare expect a physical intimacy between you two at this moment. Don’t be a fool to think that all you need one magical kiss to make your ex fall for you again.
One hug and things will go back as they were before. Stop bullshitting your inner Romeo around.
Understand that the situations are not the same now. You both are dealing with a breakup, and things have changed with time.
You can’t expect them to understand your acts like the way they did in the past. Don’t risk everything you have achieved so far by being utterly stupid.
Don’t be a desperate ex. Avoid any physical contact until things go back usual between you two.
Also, don’t expect them to bombard you with hugs and kisses when you meet them.
You are working on a much bigger issue here than just physical intimacy. Once emotional intimacy falls back in place, these things don’t matter at all.
9. Carry your best look forward.
Last, but not least, when you meet your ex, look as attractive as you can. No matter if you are a girl trying to get your ex-boyfriend back or a guy trying to get your ex-girlfriend back, you have to look as stunning as possible when you meet your ex.
No one can’t deny the fact that attraction plays a very vital role in any love relationship.
You are meeting your ex after a long time, and they will get to see you after months, don’t you want them to look at you and go whoosh over you?
And, be confident in whatever you carry. Maintain a good body language. Make it hard for your ex to take their eyes off you. Don’t be a shabby ex. Let them see an entirely new you, both internally and externally.
In a nutshell
Getting ex back in indeed a hard task, but it can be made simple if you use all these steps wisely. And, if you are still struggling to get your ex back and need more advice from me, then please leave your comment below.
Or, else you can comment below with your questions. I will be happy to answer them for you. 🙂
Bonus: Take this Quiz – Will I get my ex back?