Going through a breakup or separation is no cake-walk. Even the long-headed and the strong-hearted of all fail to sail through it.
Moreover, It could have been easier if the breakup is the only thing a person needs to deal with– What really breaks a man are the tons of rampant emotions that leave him wrenched. And out of those zillions emotions that a person goes through after a breakup, anger is most intractable. Not only it sucks the joy and serenity out of your life but also drenches you with negativity and sorrow.
Thoughts of causing harm to the ex and desperation to seek answers to questions, which left unanswered, become your mind’s new default. While you were lost in planning a happy future and didn’t see it coming, breakup hit you from nowhere and left you with no option but to survive through it. Isn’t it?
Now, you are left with two choices, one, to do nothing but stay as a prisoner of your past and watch life pass by in front of your eyes…Or to deal with the situation, take control of your emotions, and finally move-on to happily explore what this magnificent life has to offer.
Reasons you are angry:
Believe it or not, even when the breakup happens for good, no matter how mutual it is, it results in some extent of anger. This is a default emotion that resides in everybody and shows up every time when someone disrespects us, disempower us, or disappoint us against our will.
Expressing anger after a breakup is a natural reaction, you don’t need to hide it.
1. Low self-esteem
People with low self-esteem often tend to get angrier when their relationship ends. They deal with such a poor self-image and low-confidence that their whole focus shifts to keeping their partner happy rather than enjoying the relationship.
They fear that their partner will stop loving them or get bored with them if they can’t keep them entertained and happy. They even go out of their comfort zone to make their partner feel special, not out of love, but to make them realize that they are the only one in this whole world who loves them. Every gesture of them originates out of fear, not love. And for them, a relationship is nothing but a tag to validate their self-worth.
And when things end on a bad note they do everything to make their ex feel guilty about leaving them. They remind their ex about everything they once did for them. And, when in turn their ex doesn’t reciprocate in the same way they expected, they get angry and lose temper. They blame their ex for spoiling their life, wasting their time, and for the betrayal.
2. You hold your ex responsible
Some people never bother to accept their part of mistakes, instead, they keep on finding opportunities/people to hold responsible for every problem they are facing in their lives.
Interestingly, when in a relationship, people want every bit of credit for even the tiniest of the efforts and moments, everything revolves around “Us and We”. And the moment relationship goes off-track, people try to whitewash their role and graying their partner’s. “I”, ‘Me, and ‘Myself, replace ‘Us and We’.
They do possibly everything to hold their ex responsible for everything that happened bad to their relationship. And in doing so, they suffer inner conflicts between their actions and truth, which further fuels anger.
3. You believe you didn’t deserve it
Then comes the genuine anger, that results from a heartbreak. You have all the right to get angry. We are human, we believe in bonding with people, we survive on love and compassion, we build trust to grow. And, when a relationship ends, which is so dear to you, getting angry is not a crime.
However, victimizing yourself is no wise either. A lot of things you face in life are not what you deserve, yet you have no option but to get off it n’ move on — not because you have a heart of gold, but simply because this makes perfect sense. Either spend your life crying about things you didn’t deserve or to let them go and make space for what you deserve.
Common outcomes of your anger
Not everyone can redirect their anger towards the better. Instead, they indulge themselves in negative outlook and actions, which further create a more stressful environment around them.
Nevertheless, things like these should clearly be avoided when you are trying to overcome anger.
1. Badmouth your ex in front of everyone
Most of the people find solace after a breakup by slamming their ex in front of the whole world. They want everyone to know the degree of “exploitation” that they suffered in their past relationships.
They slip into the ‘victim’ zone by purposely pointing out their ex’s mistakes by letting everyone know how they suffered wrongdoings of their ex, and how they didn’t deserve this. Though this doesn’t help them in controlling their anger, it does satisfy their fake ego; at least that’s what they believe.
2. Character assassination of your ex
Even if it is the most unethical way to deal with anger after a breakup, people don’t feel shy taking their anger to the next level by assassinating their ex’s character. They keep their core values and ethics aside and start spreading their ex’s secrets, false rumors, and fake links ups to intentionally gray their ex’s social image and to bring shame to them.
However, instead of finding peace they end up being angrier than before and face criticism for their actions in return.
3. Attract bad things for your ex
Some people think the best way to bring peace in their life, to pour their anger out, is to attract negative for their ex. Day and night people wish adversity for their ex just because they hurt them.
In the process, they completely forget the big picture, i.e, by doing this they are inviting the same level of negativity in their life too. For every bad thing they attract for their ex, they are creating more pain for themselves.
As we all vibrate on some level of frequency, positive or negative, and that frequency depends on the quality of thoughts we choose to play in our mind. If we choose negative then negativity follows in life, and vice versa.
There’s no way anyone can bring positivity and peace in their life by attracting negativity in other’s lives.
4. Willing to cause harm to your ex
This being the most dreadful way to deal with anger and should not even cross anyone’s mind. The violence and exploitation of any kind can never be justified in any case. Yet sometimes in the heat of the moment, few people end up indulging in violence consciously that they repent later on.
Nobody has the right to cause physical or mental harm to any person. This Earth won’t be a happy place if every heartbroken person starts revenging their ex. It’s a crime…And the consequences can be dangerous.
5. Make your ex realize his/her mistakes
I clearly remember, after my breakup I used to call and text my ex continually, expecting her to realize her mistake and come back. I believed that certain misunderstanding or mood swings could be the reason she broke up and I presumed it was my duty to make her realize those things.
However, I was wrong. She never reciprocated the same way I wanted her to, and thattt…Irritated me to the core. It took me a long time to understand a simple fact; you can’t force anyone to realize things that you expect. It only works when it’s natural.
Not everyone shares the same thinking and philosophy as yours. And, unless realization arises out of sincere honesty, it’s useless.
Must-Read Guide: How to get your ex back and make them fall in love again
How to get over anger after a breakup
Taking charge of your emotions, including your anger, is no rocket science. All that it demands is to raise your awareness and practice self-discipline. You don’t need to fully get rid of your anger but just learn to control and channel it in the right direction.
However, change may not happen overnight, but you need to stay calm and accept every challenge with an open mind.
You won’t be rewarded for maintaining a happy face after an intense heartbreak. If you are dealing with anger issues after your breakup, there’s no wise in hiding it behind a dummy smile. Every change you seek begins with a sincere acceptance that there’s something that’s bothering you and it needs to be changed. You can’t blind shut yourself from situations and expect change to happen on auto-mode.
Even if you feel like outbursting your anger once, just do it. Don’t overthink what people might think of you, how it may affect your relationships with them; because if you need to deal with it, accepting and expressing your anger is the first step towards recovery. There is no cure for “nothing”, you must need “something” to find a cure for.
You are no alien, every human feels all kinds of emotions. There is no shame or guilt in accepting that you are angry at someone.
2. Reach out to the source
Now that you have wholeheartedly accepted your situation, proceed to the next step; reach out to the source that triggers your anger. Obviously, you can’t be mad at everything; there must be something that triggers and intensifies your anger.
Maybe it’s the thought of seeing your ex dating somebody else, thought of losing your ex forever, feeling of unworthiness, the humiliation of getting dumped, or maybe the pain when you go through your old chats and pictures, or something from your past relationships might be triggering it, or your over-dependence on your ex, Or even the ill-feeling towards falling out of love, there must be some source of your anger. And your job is to become aware of that source consciously.
For that to understand you need to be aware of the thoughts playing in your mind, and then figuring out the quality of emotions those thoughts are generating inside you. And then notice how your body is responding to those reactions.
For example, As you may have experienced, whenever we feel frightened of something, our muscles start to tighten and we feel shortness of breath. Those are nothing but the reactions of emotions generated by some thought. Different emotions have different kinds of reactions.
Now, whenever you get angry towards your ex, take a deep breath and try to figure out what were the last thoughts in your mind before anger took you over. Not just this will help you to become aware of those triggers, but also to overcome them.
3. Take responsibility
As you are now accustomed to your thought process and aware of the emotions that trigger your anger, here comes the next step. Take responsibility for everything that has happened to you, be it the choice you made, the actions you took, and even if you did no mistake, take full responsibility for your current situation.
You can’t direct or drive any car while sitting on the passenger seat, likewise, you can’t change any life situation or overcome any emotion, unless you get on the driver seat and take charge.
Take responsibility for everything you are dealing with, and be brave enough to overcome it. Don’t waste your time n’ energy peeping into the past, or in pointing out your ex’s mistakes.
Bring all your attention to the very present moment. Past will never come back, don’t let it influence your present because this present someday will carve your future.
4. Write a letter to your ex (don’t post it)
We all have something in our hearts and mind that remains unsaid after a breakup. And, we continue to keep it inside as we believe it’s too late now. By doing so we think we might be helping and protecting ourselves from the emotional outburst.
As time passes, those little unsaid things start mutating themselves into big things and one day when we fail to keep them inside, they outburst irrationally, especially in the form of extreme anger.
But on the other hand, expressing everything to your ex is no wise either. As it might arouse more complications and bitterness.
Deadlock situation, isn’t it? No! Surprisingly it’s not.
Just grab a pen and paper, not digital means(go old-fashioned here), and just write your heart out, without thinking and editing. Don’t stop unless we fall out of words. Let your anger to pour on that paper. Don’t judge yourself for words you write or for the things you may express. Be transparent and don’t whitewash your thought, you have nothing to prove to anybody.
And when you get done with it and satisfied with everything you jotted down on that paper, take a deep breath, and just burn that paper down. YES!! Bring it down to ashes.
Do not keep that paper with you as it will keep on reminding you of your past. Don’t worry, you won’t regret it. You will feel a certain relief and calmness afterward, trust me.
5. Talk it out
Don’t let the anger bubble to build inside you, nobody can save it from bursting. Instead, talk it out. Find some person, friend or family, and let them know about the issues you are struggling with. Don’t be afraid of being judged or misunderstood.
Sit down with someone you can trust and talk your heart out in front of them. Let them know how anger has started bothering you and is stealing peace out of your life. They will understand.
If in case, you find it difficult to open in front of known people, seek out professional help. Take anger management classes, consult some professionals. They are best in handling these issues, that’s why they are professionals, right?
It’s their job to help you bring peace in your mind and show you the way to overcome mental hurdles that are bothering you. If any minute you feel things are getting out of your hands and anger is taking all over your life, don’t wait, just approach for help.
6. Write it out
Wait, you don’t need to burn this one.
This is something you need to keep closer all the time. This might be the best way to channel your anger. Get into the practice of writing journals. Indeed, getting words out of your mind and writing them on paper may seem hard in the beginning, but this will prove to be the most mindful habit you can opt for.
This will help you to understand your behavior in a far better way. Whenever negativity or anger strikes, pick your journal and start writing whatever comes to your mind.
Don’t share it with anybody. Make your journal your best buddy. No matter what’s bothering you, just let your pen and mind do all the talking.
After practicing it for some time you will witness a positive change in your lifestyle, not only you will find tranquility in your life but will also see your productivity rising up.
7. Channel it to the right place
Anger is not bad for us altogether. Some kind of anger is indeed necessary for all of us. There are so many areas in life which demand a certain level of anger and aggression to accomplish them successfully.
For example, in some sports like boxing, football, wrestling, or rugby, players need a level of aggression in themselves to give their best performance. Of course, not everyone is not an athlete, however many areas in our life too demand some controlled level of aggression.
The point is not being aggressive, but to channel that aggression towards the areas in which it is required. Rather than letting anger taking over your life and drain your energy, divert it towards where it’s necessary and can benefit you.
Fire can both light up the dark and can also bring down a house to ashes, likewise, your anger can both harm you or benefit you based on how you channel it. Just indulge yourself in some kind of sports, join some gym, go out for running, set a professional goal and achieve it, there are ample activities and things you can think of.
Over to you
Do let me know if the above things worked out well for you. Even feel free to add any other useful tips to overcome anger after a breakup.
DON’T LET A BREAKUP BREAK YOU