“Nothing hurts more than being disappointed by the person you thought would never let you down”
If there’s anything that’s more hurtful than a breakup, it’s when your partner dumps you for someone else. Not just you are thrown out of your relationship against your will, but also got replaced by some other guy. It’s heart-wrenching to go through these moments of hurt, isn’t it?
On top of it, resisting yourself from picturing your ex going out for movies with this new guy, enjoying romantic dates with him, visualizing them sharing smiles, hugs, and kisses, seem almost unavoidable. No matter how positively you try to give fresh starts to your dawns, dusks seem to bring all the pain and memories back.
Then what follows is the shame of losing your ex to some other guy, a pity feeling of unworthiness, desperation to seek answers, thoughts of causing harm to this new guy, self-judgments for making bad choices, and finally the frustration of falling in love with the wrong person. Yet, nothing settles the fire burning inside you.
And what adds more confusion to the already confusing situation is to figure out the next step. There’s one side of yours that wants to get over with it and seek peace, while there’s another one that wishes to bring her back successfully.
So amidst of this f***** up scenario, what should be your next step?
What’s wiser; to forgive and forget, or to take revenge for what happened?
What’s meaningful; putting all your hopes on “time will heal all”, or to form a hopeless belief that good times will never arrive?
What’s logical; seeking answers from your ex that might ease your pain or asking some tough questions from your own self?
What’s sensible; learning from the past, or to remain stuck in it?
What’s comforting; to cause harm to your ex and her new boyfriend, or to heal yourself?
Well, this post has the answer to everything. Make sure you read until the last word.
“She left me for someone else” – Here are the possible reasons
1. You both shared an unhealthy relationship
Your relationship has turned sour with time and this could be the prime reason your ex dumped you. Instead of spending the majority of your time creating beautiful memories, enjoying each other’s company, and making your bond stronger, you waste your time continually fighting and abusing each other.
Stress has overshadowed all your mutual love, and the bond that once glued you together has diminished. The interesting part is that somewhere in the back of your mind you both had thoughts to call it off…But she got the first chance. And, during that period of distress, she met someone who filled the voids that were missing in your relationship.
2. She dumped you for some of her ex-boyfriends
Overcoming past is a messed up process. And when it comes to overcoming past relationship, things turn even messier. Chances are when you met your ex-girlfriend, she recently came out of a serious relationship, her wounds were fresh, and you were just a medium to get over her past relationship…A replacement I would say.
While you considered yourself her savior, a shoulder for her to reply upon, a healer to her pains, a chocolate chip to her vanilla life, there’s some part of her still hanging to-and-fro between the past that she silently craved to relive it again. While you were falling in love with her each passing day, she never stopped thinking about her ex-boyfriend. And, when finally her ex-boyfriend approached her and reciprocated with the same emotions, she couldn’t control and got back together with him, leaving you with “WTF” moments.
3. She never took your seriously
In spite of being in a serious relationship, it’s hard for two people to share the same intensity of love and emotions towards each other. Each individual has a different pace to feel the emotions and to fall in love. In your own world, while you were dreaming about your future together, she wasn’t even sure about the present with you, and thoughts of long term relationship might have never struck her mind.
This is a case of one-sided seriousness and there can be a lot of reasons behind her confused behavior. She might be experimenting before finally getting settled with her kind of guy, or she doesn’t believe in serious commitments and enjoy being into a casual one.
4. Wanting different things from life
For every relationship to sustain for the long term, it’s crucial for both the partners to share the same vision and goals in life. Love is indeed the binding force between people, but to maintain it with time, a lot of ingredients are needed. Looking into the same direction and to be on the same page is one of them, in fact, the most IMPORTANT one.
Chances are while career, money and partying with friends take the majority of your focus, she expects completely different things from life or vice versa. Also, pulling each other in our respective directions is no wise either, this is something that should come naturally.
And, Inbetween of this, she met some other guy and found him to be a better prospect for her when it comes to settling down.
5. Compatibility issues
While love and emotions take care of the sentiment part of any relationship, compatibility handles the practical aspects of it. The quality of a relationship, the tuning between a couple, the sail of relationship in thick and thins, everything shifts to just one point, i.e., how compatible they are with each other.
When love stops being the binding agent between two people, compatibility takes the front and gives the direction to the relationship. And coming back to your case, the fact could be that you were never compatible with each other, a lot of stress has grown up between you two, and your mutual love for each other has failed to keep you any closer. And, before you initiate a breakup, she found someone else who made more sense ‘practically’.
6. She was always two-timing
Done with purely selfish intentions, this is indeed the heartless reason to dump someone. Not only it breaks someone expectations, but also made a person vulnerable towards trusting other people. Maybe in your case, she was always two-timing. In short, you weren’t the only one receiving good morning texts, goodnight kisses, and heart smileys from her.
She might have been a serial cheater and had a long history of it. In your case, you might have caught her red-handed and when it came to making a choice, instead of being sorry for it she dumped you and choose the other guy.
Complicating it further
Now that you might have figured out the reason why your ex dumped you, next right step would be to know what things should clearly be avoided in this situation. Your focus should be on untangling things rather than complicating it further.
Compromising with your own peace of mind
If there’s one thing that you should stay clear off in your situation, that would be spamming your ex’s phone and inbox with tons of texts and phone calls( especially drunk dialing your ex’s number and begging her to come back). Stalking her social profiles also falls under this. That’s no wise in compromising with your own peace of mind when you know she won’t reciprocate positively.
Because accidentally too, If you end up seeing your ex’s new profile picture with her new boyfriend, your mind will continuously keep on replaying the same thing over and over, and you will end up being angry and frustrated. This is the time for focusing more on getting out of this mess rather than dwelling more into it.
The more you will peep into your ex’s life, more tensions you will create in yours. It’s a very sad feeling when you know everything but can’t do anything to change it. All you can do is to helplessly see from the distance. It doesn’t sound like a good idea after all.
Do not let others control your peace of mind, do not let others decide how you should feel, it’s high time; take back the charge.
Bashing the new guy that she is dating
I know the moment you came to know that some other guy has dethroned you, and from this moment he will be the one ruling your ex’s heart, all you wanted to do is to confront him for his ill-actions and bash him mercilessly till eternity.
You hold him responsible for the situation you are in, for the humiliation you had to face, and for the loneliness you are unwillingly left to deal with. Every time you hear his name or see him, you see an enemy in him.
Do you believe you will find the peace that way?
I can assure you, there’s no way it can help you to overcome this situation. Moreover, he is not the only one to hold answerable, your ex equally shares the blame. Even if he blew the first whistle or approached your ex firsthand, your ex responded positively too. (But wait, that doesn’t mean you should shift your aggression to your ex now)
The point is to not to indulge in acts that you repent later and are adversely affecting your recovery. Even if you end up causing harm to him, he will be the one receiving all the sympathy and care. What you are getting out of it? Think…
The time and energy you will waste planning to sink other’s boat, better utilize it to safely bring back yours to the shore.
Causing harm to yourself for sympathy
In this situation, most of the people end up creating voluntarily pain for themselves hoping their ex to turn sympathetic towards them. But, what happens is exactly the opposite of it. Mostly, ex never turns sympathetic, guilt never crossed her heart, and even the grayest of mistakes are left unrealized.
Even if it works per your expectations, creating pain for yourself just for momentarily “awwws” is plain mindless. What’s the bloody point of getting her back if you have to give her reasons for it, that too pitiful ones?
Still, we consciously cause harm to ourselves with the intention of causing guilt to our ex by causing physical harm to ourselves, by indulging in drugs and alcohol, by cutting us off from the outer world, by fuelling ourselves with unhealthy diets, etc. Not just it’s utterly stupid, but also worthless of your time. What has done has been already done, there should be no looking back.
Indeed, some pains are inevitable, like the pain of losing your love, agony of unforeseen separation, the hurt of broken trust and promises. However, these come naturally with any breakup and grieving them for some time is also essential to get over it.
Letting your anger and jealousy to rule your life
As I said above that overcoming any pain and hurt, a little grievance is indeed acceptable. Having a controlled amount of anger and negativity is natural sometimes. The problem arises when we let them take over our lives and allow them to impact our future actions.
When we no longer remain the decision-maker, things often get out of control and every decision arises out of anger and jealousy. Things turn more about feeding our wounded self-ego and least about love and care.
We fall in the pit of self-doubts and self-judgments like:
Why she chose him?
Is he better than me?
Is more good looking than me?
Is he more interesting?
Is he more successful?
Tons of negative thoughts start to haunt us and sucks every drop of positivity that’s left. And, that’s exactly where you have to understand something with a broader perception, i.e., a good relationship is not about having everything perfectly placed, it’s about accepting and adoring even those imperfection perfectly.
The person who dumped you for not being good enough doesn’t deserve even the slightest of your time and energy. The sincere realization of self-worth is way more impactful and meaningful than loads of appreciation received by others.
Don’t let your anger and jealousy to hijack your life and to destroy your mindfulness. Turn a little patient, bring clarity to your thoughts, shift your focus on worthy things and people, take a deep breath, and just move on.
Making your way through it
Am sure you don’t want to stay in this situation forever, who does, right? But, how one should find their way out of this mess? How one should find peace among this chaos and stress?
Below I laid down a few steps that are sure to unravel your situation for the better.
Figure out what you really want
Every change begins with sincere acceptance of the situation, which further brings clarity to it. Likewise, your first step should be to accept your current situation and to seek honest answers to some questions from yourself…
What do I want in this situation?
Do I need to get over her, or I want to bring her back into my life?
Is bringing her back would be the right decision?
Am I ready to take a second chance?
If she comes back to me, will our relationship be the same as before?
Can I trust her again?
Will getting over her bring any positivity in my life?
These are some questions you need to figure out on your own. Give genuine thoughts to it, Imagine the long term scenario before reaching to any conclusion. Don’t rush to make any decision too soon. Take your own time to explore your real feelings.
When the wounds of breakups are fresh, real feelings may take some time to appear on the surface as we have plenty of other emotions playing on the front, like anger, jealousy, frustration, etc. And that makes it tougher for us to figure out the origin of our actions and feelings, i.e, to figure out what’s fueling our decision; ego, or pure love.
So, it advisable to wait for some time, not just 4-6 hours or even a day, but for a few weeks or even months till foggy thoughts settle down and real emotions appear on the surface.
And until that happens, utilize that time to figure out what you really want. Playback the whole situation in your mind, relive the moment when she dumped you, go through the facts and reality of the whole scenario once again, figure out how everything turned out for you, and then finally when you are able to figure out your next PRACTICAL step, make decisions accordingly.
It’s time you should choose your practical mind over an emotional heart. Sentiments have already brought you here, now let your intelligence to pull you out from this mess. Please don’t settle for anything less than you believe you deserve.
Go on no contact rule
Till you are figuring out your next step, there’s one thing to make sure, i.e., to break all contacts from your ex for a certain period of time. Some experts say it should be around 30 to 40 days, but it varies from person to person. Some people find it easy to practice self-control and divert their attention onto other things, while for a few it might also take ages to let go of past memories.
However, no matter in which category you fall in, the point is to cut all your contacts with your ex for a brief period and to use that period to bring focus solely on yourself.
By ‘all contacts’ i mean no phone calls, no emails, no social media stalking, no hanging out with mutual friends. Cut all the chords that may connect you with your ex again. Also, don’t respond even when your attempts to contact you. It’s definitely hard and needs a good amount of self-control, but that’s not an option in your situation when you are working on settling down your inner turmoils.
When she initiates the contact, a few things will definitely strike your mind like why is she calling me? What if she has finally realized her mistakes? Does she miss me? What if she has left her new boyfriend and trying to get back to me? Tons of question may arise in your mind. However, no matter how hard it appears to you or how eagerly you wish to respond, you have to turn a little cold-hearted.
Also in case, if she is really trying to get back and hoping to give your relationship a second chance, she should wait for a little, while you figure out other important things.
You have to fix yourself before fixing your relationship. The fact is; you got dumped and thrown out of your relationship unexpectedly, and your will to go back in the same relationship shouldn’t arise from an emotional weakness, rather it should be your awareness and practicality that should be guiding your further steps.
No contact period is a detox period you undergo when you have bigger and wiser decisions to make, and when you have to bring all your attention to the place where it is much required. This is the best time to have a self-audit which you wouldn’t have done it otherwise.
Look at the brighter side
Am a big advocate of positive thinking and its impact on our lives. No matter how big or tiny issues you are dealing with, having a positive mindset and optimist outlook can make a tremendous impact. With this being said, you can either choose to cry for your wounds, or you can focus on your healing. The previous one will bring more pain and helplessness, but the latter can bring peace and solutions.
Life is a sunny-shady place, the sky does not always shine clearer, nobody is immune to sufferings, heartbreaks happen every minute, people come and leave, and the good thing is; that’s completely okay, that’s how life flows.
It’s good for some people to leave so that’s better one can arrive. It’s good to have bad times to realize the worth of good times. Don’t let anything put your life on offtrack, it’s your life and nobody but you have the right to give directions to it.
No matter how bad or good, every adverse situation brings you an equal opportunity to grow and to learn, don’t let them slow you down.
Don’t question your self-worth just because your ex left you for someone else, that doesn’t make you any less attractive or less worthy. Your ex was just a human like you and her opinions hold no universal tags. Her actions and thoughts influenced because you let them. And, now when you out of that relationship, her thoughts shouldn’t matter and bother you at all. You are free, you are content, you are worthy.
It never gets too late, we always have the time to fix ourselves, fix relationships, and to fix life.