“At times letting go for good reason does more good than holding tight for no reason.“
I read this on Goodreads. Such sound words, aren’t they?
But for me, it’s no big deal of a statement! It’s overused, everybody knows it, and nothing novel about it.
Do you know what’s the big deal? It is, to know ‘when’ to let it go, and ‘when’ to keep a hold.
Letting things go too early can abstain from “what could have been” if you had held it a little longer, and holding it for too long often leads to regret of “what could have been” if you had let it go earlier.
The right decision at the right time matters more than the right decision at the wrong time. And, this “timing” becomes a major subject of consideration when it comes to your relationship with the person you love – especially when things are not as per your expectations.
After all, not every relationship turns out as expected, not every love story gets to see the dawns, not every time our choices are sane, don’t you agree? But we still keep dragging a lifeless relationship; sometimes in hope of steering it back on track, and sometimes out of fear to be on the ‘villainous’ side by calling it quits.
We continue to suffocate into emptiness, we push ourselves harder to give our relationship one more chance, we continue to breathe in life in that dead relationship. And, finally, most of us accept it as our ‘destiny’ and make peace with it – even when we believe we deserve a lot better.
But, why it’s so hard to call gray as ‘gray’? Why are you afraid to take the right decision? Why it’s okay for you to be with the wrong person, but not okay to take a bold step towards finding the right one?
Adoring just a label of “relationship” is plain stupidity, don’t you think? Actually, it is.
But how to figure out that your relationship has turned toxic? How to conclude that it’s a dead-end? How to realize that it’s time to get over it? How to be aware of the rights, and the wrongs?
Well, to make it a little simpler, here are the signs to look for when you have tough decisions to make and bold steps to take.
It’s time for a breakup – Here are the signs
Before you get into action mode, do consider a few things. First of all, it’s your relationship. Nobody knows it better but just you. Not every below-mentioned signs may apply to your situation and not every sign is pointed towards you. These are just blanket statements whose purpose is to help you to audit your relationship, and to take further steps accordingly.
1. More fights, fewer talks
Light arguments, occasional heat-ups, and little stress are common in any relationship. However, if in your relationship these pity issues have turned into major ones, and also, if you find yourself and your partner fighting mercilessly for unrequired reasons, then indeed it’s time you both need to talk.
In healthy relationships, people are always ready to sort out things, no matter big or small, because they owe to their relationship. But if you have reached a level in your relationship when sorting out things with calmness doesn’t matter at all, and if your ego has grown so much that you find it hard to initiate peace, then my friend, it’s your first sign.
When ego overshadows all the mutual love, it gets hard for any relationship to survive. And stress starts to pile up, making even tougher for both the partner to initiate peace.
2. Abusive relationship
If you are in a mentally, physically and emotionally abusive relationship and you continually suffer ill doings of your partner, then you shouldn’t continue with this relationship. Because for any relationship to survive, mutual respect towards each other is a must, and there is a certain limit that both of the partners need to take care of.
Nobody is entitled to cause abuse of any kind to anyone. If you are in a relationship where you are harassed daily, light arguments have turned into physical violence, and if you have to compromise with your self-respect just because you are too afraid to confront your partner for their wrongdoings, then please don’t stay quiet.
There’s no future to these relationships and there’s no good reason you should take shit from anyone. Not even from the one you believe you ‘love’. Don’t try to whitewash their acts. If they are abusive, and if there never go a day when they don’t harass you, then it’s time to take action.
You are better alone than to be with someone who doesn’t treat you humanly. Don’t suffer in silence.
3. Never on the same page
Having different choices and interests is too small for a reason to call it quits. Of course, having different opinions for choices of restaurants, or sharing different views for world happenings is no big deal. No one would encourage you to call for a breakup for these petty issues.
However, if those opinions and viewpoints are not just limited to color choices, or to favorite Marvel superhero, and have turned intense which is making it hard for both of you to be on the same page…Also, If both of your life goals, vision, expectations are out of alignment, and you never happily agree on the same thing, then trust me, it’s impossible to sustain in that relationship for long.
For any relationship to thrive it’s necessary for people to look in the same directions and to be on the same page. They have to be open-minded to understand each other’s viewpoints and should try to see a big picture from different angles. But, if in your case you rather prefer to stay rigid about your opinions and viewpoints and expect from your partner to understand it whatsoever, then there’s no chance you could do that forever.
It’s like stretching a rubber band; you can stretch as per your mood and strength, but, overstretching will break it, and leaving it will bring it back to the original shape. You can’t change people completely and expecting them to walk with you in the direction of your choice, it’s foolish.
Pulling each other in different directions is wastage of both time and energy. Rather cut the wire loose. And walk away.
4. Guilty of cheating
There’s no excuse for cheating. There can’t be enough reasons to justify it or to whitewash it. Wouldn’t you agree that It’s easy to heal a broken heart than to heal a broken trust? Am sure you do.
If you caught your partner red-handed, or if you are certain that your partner is cheating on you, there’s nothing left to save in that relationship after this breach of trust.
Why you should suffer this pain of distrust? Just because you think you won’t be able to find another one like your partner? Or, because you don’t find yourself worthy and suitable? Whatever it is, it’s bullshit.
Just ask yourself; would your partner forgive you if you had done the same?
I know it’s hard to walk away from someone you are emotionally attached to. It’s painful to quit on a relationship you nurtured with your time, love, and energy.
But, ask yourself, would you really be able to forgive your partner for his acts? Would it really be possible for you to get past his cheating? Would it be possible for you to turn the blind and act as nothing happened? Would it be possible for you to trust him/her and love exactly the same way?
Look for the honest answers to these questions, and you will know what should be the right thing to do.
5. Lost the spark
As much as a relationship requires love to grow, an “expression” of love holds equal importance. Little-Sweet things done out of care, love, and compassion often makes a big difference to any relationship. We, humans, survive on compassion and belongingness, especially when it comes to the person we are emotionally attached with.
But, if your relationship has reached a level where these things have lost their importance, and you can’t remember when’s the last time your partner uttered those three golden words to you, if you can’t recall when you felt the warmth between you two, if almost everything has turned dull and plain with time, and if you feel it’s too late to bring back the spark, then it’s time to let loose and move on.
6. Reliving past
Getting over the past is a tough job. Parting ways physically is not the hard part, letting it go mentally is what takes ages sometimes. Everyone has their own fair share of heart-breaks and have spent a huge chunk of time to get over it. Some of us are still stuck between a war of heart and mind.
If you are in a relationship where either of you has refused to let go of the past, and instead of focusing on the present relationship, the past memories hijack the attention, then it might get tough for both of you to bond well to nurture this relationship.
In many cases, people get into rebounding relationships hoping to get past their previous relationship. Their new relationship is just a way to escape the memories of the old ones. They put their hope and burden on their new partner to help them get over their old relationship, which makes it a tough job for their partner to fill those gaps of past.
These types of relationships rarely get to see the dawns, but rather end even before they reach the dusks.
7. Forced emotions
Do you struggle even in uttering “I love you” to your partner?
Do you find calling and texting to your partner a hectic job?
Has your relationship become more of a duty than being an inseparable part of your life?
If you answer to above question fall under “Yes”, then you both need to ‘talk’.
In a relationship where love speaks for itself, emotions flow naturally. You don’t have to wake up each day to force yourself to express your love to your partner. It also doesn’t mean to utter I love you tons of time every single hour. What matters is the acknowledgment of it. You feel a certain level of warmth and care towards your partner naturally, you don’t need to force yourself to feel it.
You may act “In love” in front of your partner because you don’t want to be the one hurting him/her. “They are nice people, they are in love with you and hurting them would be a sin,” you might think. But, for how long you can fake it? Can you do it for your whole life? I fear so. Filling the gaps between “the acting of love” and “in love” is impossible.
8. High on stress
Happy relationships are the source of happiness and positivity. Because It’s good to be around a person who brings out the best in us, with whom we feel a sense of wholeness. It’s a blessing to be in a place where everything starts to make sense, where we feel special about ourselves, where all the worries start to melt.
Exactly that’s why we endure a relationship – to have a companion with whom we can ride the tides of life and explore everything that it has to offer.
Whereas, if you are in a stressful and negative relationship, then maybe you are not in the right relationship. Also, if your relationship doesn’t relate anywhere with the definition of a happy relationship, it’s wise to part ways at times.
Being around with a person who is constantly negative, with someone who adds more stress to your life than negating it, it’s better to change the paths for good.
If in your relationship, rather than creating happiness together, you are constantly struggling to even get a little smile on your face, maybe you are unlocking the wrong lock with the right key. Or, right lock with the wrong key.
9. Distance makes you happier than closeness
Do you know what’s the best part of a relationship? To have someone so close to us, someone loving and caring, that imagining even a few hours away from them seems hollow.
If you adore this closeness, and you just can’t wait to finish your day and rush home to meet your partner and hug them, then you are one lucky dog. Watching Netflix together, going for dinner dates, walking hands in hands on the beach while gazing the night sky, is something most of us crave to experience with our partner. It becomes so hard to imagine even a single moment without having them on our side. Closeness, that’s all we want.
However, there are also relationships that turn distances apart. They often start with a good intention and an exciting note but turn boring as the times passes. Tensions start to build around the relationship, doubts and questions take the majority of the mind-peace and time and then comes a time when closeness loses its meaning.
Some people find joy when they are not around their partner. The distance makes more sense than closeness. They turn blank and finds it hard to even initiate a conversation with their partner. They fall out of words and expressions and have to fake around their partner just because they are too sweet to speak the truth. So, can you relate to it?
10. Constant attraction towards other people
We, the humans, are hormonally wired to appreciate the beauties around us. It’s completely fine if you catch yourself going gaga over the hot looks, cute guys, pretty girls, even when you are in a relationship. And it’s not a crime either, mild attractions are harmless.
However, this becomes a big issue when you find yourself constantly attracted to other people but your partner. It becomes a point of consideration when you lose your focus and interest from your partner and are always drooling for others. Some people have to forcefully remind themselves that they are in a relationship and they can’t entertain attractions and infatuations outside their relationship.
A good amount of mutual attraction is required for any couple to keep them glued with each other. A genuine romantic quotient does matter in a relationship. Love indeed serves as the basis of creating a balanced long term relationship, but for even love to happen, a certain attraction towards each other is essential too.
Some of you might refuse it, but tell me when you find yourself proposing a person you were least attracted too?
11. Honesty is an alien concept
Every relationship, even the non-romantic one, needs transparency and honesty to survive. No relationship can be built on piles on lies where two people are always lying to each other as per their comfort and intentions.
Certainly, there are things that demand some level of maturity and understanding from our partner before we choose to share everything with them. I don’t feel that hiding a few things from our partners is a crime. Everybody has secrets that we restrain from disclosing to the world unless we trust someone completely.
But, there are few people who are voluntarily dishonest towards their partner. They lie about each and everything, and never let their real self disclose to anybody.
Relationships based on lies and dishonesty turn rotten with time. If you are with a manipulative person who lies even for the tiny issues, then I don’t think that’s a sign of a last-long relationship.
It’s hard to trust people who rarely reveal their real side. And, if trusting your partner is something you find hard, then confront them and let them know what you think about them and this relationship.
So, should you break up or stay together?
Now that you are aware of all the above-mentioned signs, still I would suggest you relax and think again. At times, we end up making decisions that we regret later on; sometimes out of rush, sometimes out of misunderstandings, sometimes out of wrong judgments, and sometimes by mistakes. As I said these are merely general signs, not a complete picture.
The only person who knows about the quality of your relationship is just you, and I don’t encourage you to give up on it without giving it a thought. If you believe that there are still chances that your relationship can be saved, and if you are sure you are with the right person, then I encourage you to talk about it with your partner and sort things out.
However, if you belive it’s too late now to fix things and there’s no way you can continue with this relationship, then don’t be afraid to make the right decisions. Because by going after these vague labels not only you are losing your right prospects, but also blocking your partner’s way to find theirs. At times it’s better to chase the right ones than the easy ones.